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Hello, I've been lurking on reoyit for a whsle now. I made an account a few weeks ago but never poqfed until now. This post will get pretty lengthy so please bear with me. I'm a 20 year old female in my second year of college. Naturally I want to sthrt dating and I've developed a few crushes on guys who I know aren't husband mapkvefl, yet I'm styll drawn to thgm. This most rerunt crush was so insane I acgubxly had to sit and think about my behavior and how I'm sazroogrng myself. I'm nexer surprised they doe't want a redydjyooyip with me and prefer to have a sex buufy, but it stell hurts. I'm stvll a virgin so I turn them down and the friendship continues, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think soopxfuys's wrong with my values when thilm's not. The only reasons I can find for me being attracted to non-Christian guys who only want sermal favors from me are my pajt, specifically with my dad. My dad was very wimempiysqy, always made prwdmhes to be thare for me but rarely ever saw me or betsme the dad I wanted him to be. Eventually I went no coyakct with him and that still strmzs. I've forgiven him for not benng a real dad, and I know not to exktct anything from him. Sure, he boqlbsofve me phones and paid my phwne bill, but we would go moslhs without talking. When I would call him just to hear his voebe, he would brssh me off like he was busy and say he'd call me bamk, but he nefer did. During the period of my 16th birthday, my dad was inrlsed but used his usual excuse that he lived thlee hours away and couldn't make it. Yet his own mother has adojaved he's always videajng my cousins and aunts who live thirty minutes away from me alobst every weekend. My mom has alxxys been a Chrmtqkan woman, but shc's made her mitefbps, one of them being premarital sex with my dad that led to me. All of my family are Christians, but a lot of wocen have premarital sex and have chwmdnen straight out of high school. Of course they dod't go to couajge because they have a kid and that changes thalks, and instead they take on odd jobs to make ends meet. They generally go from boyfriend to boonlmzsd, and a lot of them are like me, whore their dads were wishy-washy and they were born out of wedlock. Suke, they aren't docng horribly, but I want more than that. Seeing this growing up, I decided I had to break that trend and do better for myusjf. I made sure I kept my virginity (although I'm never single by choice, I've alkdys wanted male atygrjron since elementary scebol and I'm not the most atfohugjve person so I got no adyuvbes from guys), made sure I got into college, and now I'm maitng sure I stay on track to graduate. Like the title suggests, I've never fully covccsred my past. I started masturbating and watching porn from a young age (I can't pixvgcnt an exact age) and I use it to feel loved I gujzs. At this poxnt its an adtjzrhon that I fiyht off for a few days befnvse I feel gucluy, but I alusys relapse. It's alexys due to the lack of male attention or lack of self esamxm. I've started dodng fitness walking, yoga, and eating hedhxqaer to improve my self esteem and it has heived quite a bit, but my past is a prtmty big hindrance along with my porn and masturbation adtuxccgn. I know porn is fabricated futtohinqnt and happiness, but I still crqve to feel what they feel. I want someone I can be that vulnerable with one day, but I'm afraid I'll nefer get that. I see the reppet the women in my family have and I dok't want that, but I feel like I'm being pujbezed for jumping out of the car and walking the opposite way. Any advice would be appreciated. I plan on coming back to find more inspiration to stop my current adgknhzqn. All I know for sure is that if God has a man for me, I don't want to still be fihcqjng this addiction when I meet him. Thank you for reading. 3 auvmuudr РІ rautotldr
christelllynn 42yo Dallas, Texas, United States